Everything I touch turns to gold.

Everything I touch turns to gold, then to coal. Everything I touch turns to rust, then to dust.

There is not a single expression that has explained my situation as clearly as this. Whenever I gain something in life I loose something else and everyone I bring into my life I hurt and push away. 

Basically I ditched a friend for a boy. I don't know how many times, leading up to this day, I knew how awful it is to that to someone. I don't even know where to begin to fix this. My only conclusion is that I should let all these people that I keep hurting live their lives without me because I'm polluting their lives like a greenhouse gas pollutes our environment. 

Reading over what I have said keeps making me think that it really isn't such a big deal I mean people go through far far worse things than this and hurt far deeper than I am assuming I am right now. But somehow I just can't seem to feel like everything is going to be okay and I feel as though this has taught me something about myself that I was hoping would never be true. 

I feel like watching Palo Alto and pretending like I am nothing and that all these problems will just melt away. I want to block out everything and everyone

                                                                    (bellie-bun)

Fame is your generations black plague

Last night I watched Palo Alto, after your recommendation to, and it was utterly perfect. The way it portrays our generation is so real and accurate. I mean I feel like her almost always – lost and partially invisible – the only part about the movie I didn’t like was the ending. I mean it just felt like a movie that needed to end in a slightly more emotional way, sadder. Maybe I’m just over-thinking this.  

After watching the movie I researched Emma Roberts, she was always my inspiration when I was younger but I had completely forgotten, and saw the movie Adult World. I then decided to watch that. Ah it was also so amazing.

That is where I got the title of my post “Fame is your generations black plague” and it just made so much sense. I mean so many of us just want fame and glory but what is the truth behind that you know?

Anyway I don’t feel like any of what I just wrote made any sense but then again nothing ever does to me.

I am writing my English literature paper tomorrow on the Great Gatsby and The Crucible and of course a million poems. I just wish we weren’t allowed to study for this paper and that we were able to interpret it in our own way and what we think are the meaning behind all the metaphors and what nots.

My obsession with music is just growing stronger every single day. Okay let me just be honest I have always been like this but it has become so bad! I mean during my exam I get all excited and think “my oh my I can’t wait to be done so I can listen to some music.” 

                                                           (bellie-bun) 

Simple

Life is after all simple do not complicate it.  

This is one of the five points to live happily I have stuck on my wall. It's been there, next to my mirror, for so long that I don't even realise it's there anymore. But it just caught my eye tonight. I'm going to try read it everyday until it resonates with me and hopefully my life does become simple. 

Everything just seems so complicated with applying for university and our parents that just never seem to understand how hard it is being our age like they were never younger than what they are now. I don't really know what I want from this life but I know that I don't want to be tied down not now not ever so obviously going to a full time university is not something I want but I feel so judged by everyone in my life for not wanting that, why can't I just be normal? Everyone thinks I'm this person who doesn't care about anything and it's not there fault it's mine because I don't let anyone really see the real me and to be honest I am a complete mess inside and the more I try to keep it together the worse I become. I hate that all these small things stress me out so much and that I don't really mind dying because it's not normal to not want to live anymore but I don't. I don't want to live. But I'm too afraid of not living. (I'm a very indecisive person with EVERY SINGLE ASPECT in my life.) And yeah saying something like "I don't want to live" is like saying "gee I have all these great people who care about me so much but I don't give two shits about them" but I do. I care about everyone in my life and I hate myself for having these thoughts because I have a life that I should be extremely greatfull for because many people have it far worse than me so why am I so stressed out about how "difficult" my life is? I just have a few decisions to make that aren't going to please everyone but it needs to be done so I don't see why I'm finding this so challenging?

Well to get back to the topic of this post, life is supposed to be simple and that's that. The only person that can complicate  your life is you. Though it's awful realizing and accepting that you are in fact the only one who controls your happiness I think it's necessary. I still have a very long way to go in simplifying my life but I feel I'm getting closer to it just by knowing that life is simple and like they say where there's a will there's a way. 

(Bun to Bellie)

Gold

Every time I make a post it honestly feels like it has been forever. Basically it is due to the fact that it is almost December. I mean when August ends, to me that is like the year ending. After August it is just exams exams exams and more exams and then December holidays is like a year on its own. I actually can not wait any longer.

Soon we will be able to relax... We will just imagine that Knysna is an island.

So I wasn't accepted into the University which I really wanted to get into. And it sort of made me think about my future, not that I ever don't think about my future, but I just thought to myself whether studying is what I should be doing next year. I mean what if this has all happened for a reason.

onto my next topic. Music has become a serious addiction. I cannot go a single day without listening to music at least 70 percent of the time. Perhaps it is because I just can't bring myself accept feelings that I, in a sense, almost block everything off in order to stay away from that which I fear.

Anyway I really am hoping that everything turns out as we planned because this is all we have ever wanted x

It's time to update our description

Can you believe that we are both 18 now?? What what? I cant believe it, I don't know about you but I definitely do not feel like an adult, at all. I love you so much and I wish with all my heart that we could be celebrating this day together. You said in your birthday post to me that I was your inspiration and I was completely shocked because I've always wanted to be a bit more like you! You always seem to just go with the flow of things just like a JELLYFISH! So I guess we could say that we both sort of succeeded in being like one another. My only birthday wish for you is that you find a love as strong as Jade and David's love. I dont even think I need to say this because obviously you already know but I'm going to anyway: Isabella Oelofse you are my best friend and you will always be my best friend xx

(bun to bellie)

Ends of the earth.

I watched The Fault In Our Stars on Friday. Oh wow. I was hysterical. I think it is partially due to the fact that during those intense moments I imagine all the people who have suffered through similar things and that's when I get far too emotional. Then on top of all this sadness I watched Now Is Good. It follows a similar storyline as the TFIOS and also brought me to tears. What I wanted to tell you though was the fact that during the movie the girl, Tessa, makes a list of things she wants to do before she dies. At that part my friend whom I was watching it with asked said: "Bella if you were dying would you also do all those crazy things?" And I just replied by saying: "We are dying." I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth but I realised the truth behind it. I mean what are we afraid of? Why can't we make those lists for every week of even every day- dying or not.

Free falling paradise

Its Funny Bunny's birthday today. I can't believe you're 18. It feels like the other day when we just started high school. Time flies when you're having fun they always say. Anyway I can't express how excited I am about the fact that we'll soon be able to start living our lives as we want to, and hopefully together.I counted the other day and I have known you now for almost 7 years. I still remember how I thought you didn't want to be my friend and you thought I didn't want to be your friend. I don’t think I will ever forget that day , for that day built a friendship that I hope never ever fails us.

I just wanted to let know you that you mean the world to me and I can’t imagine what my life would be like, without my bunny by my side.You have always been my inspiration. My inspiration to be a better person and my inspiration to live life slightly more freely. Just like you seem to do. There are so many days where I miss you so much but don’t want you to call because hearing your voice honestly makes everything so much harder.

Remember that day we thought we were cool enough to invite all the “cool” kids to a party which we never threw.  And we even ate all the food that we bought for all the guests. Looking back its actually really sad because I mean now we realise how much we actually despise people like them and we would never go to their parties ever again. Well then again looking back at those parties. It was pretty fun. I mean always being the girls to jump in the pool and getting everyone to dance with us.

Recently though I keep thinking back to the holiday in which you came to visit me ( and all those strange things happened) and it really was one of the best holidays I have ever had. It just made me realise that you are my one and only true best friend.

I was watching blue valentine the other day and when it came to that part where he talks about potential and it actually made so much sense. I screenshotted the part for you:

Why is it so important to make decisions? Everybody wants us to make all these decisions that will determine OUR lives, so why do they feel it’s necessary to “interfere” and give us all this advice which we can't even accept because we don’t even know who it is we are. I  mean I still can’t tell someone what my favourite colour is. Well all I am trying to say is that I hope we both find our paths next year and that they can connect in some way. I really do feel as though we are destined to do something BIG and something TOGETHER. I also hope that you do something special today even if it just sitting in your room with Mew, remember that you are honestly the most fantastic person out there and you deserve everything if not more. 

I love you with all my heart Bun. 

                                                                     (bellie-bun)